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BSorNOT!? Research Institute
!!! WHITE BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!
The BSorNOT Research Institute recently completed a 24 hour study on the effects suffered by Rednecks who include white bread in their daily diet and we are proud to present the findings here:

1. More than 98 percent of the Redneck population are suspected white bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all Redneck children who are raised in white bread -consuming households score below average in standardized testing.

3. In Redneck homes where the white bread is home made, average Redneck life expectancy was less than 50 years; Redneck infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many Redneck mothers died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged the Redneck nation.

4. More than 90 percent of all Redneck crimes were committed within 24 hours after having eaten an undisclosed amount of white bread.

5. White bread is made from a yeast based substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of white bread dough can be used to suffocate a southern rat. The average adult Redneck can eat two or more pounds of white bread every month!

6. Societies that do not consume white bread typically exhibit a low incidence of trashy yards, Alzheimer's, four wheel drive camaro’s, mullet hair styles, wife beating, drunken behavior, and osteoporosis.

7. White bread has been proven to be very addictive to the average Redneck. Rednecks who normally consumed white bread for more than one year and then deprived of it and given only water, begged for white bread after as little as two days.

8. White bread is considered to be a "gateway" food item, often leading Rednecks to "harder" items such as peanut butter, jelly, and even cold cuts.

9. White bread has been proven to absorb massive amounts of water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating white bread can lead to overweight Rednecks. Excessive consumption of white bread has been known to transform even the most typical Redneck into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding shell of a person.

10. Newborn and juvenile Rednecks have been known to choke while eating white bread.

11. White bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill a Redneck in less than one minute.

12. Most Redneck bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babble.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following white bread restrictions be made:

  1. No sale of white bread to juvenile Rednecks and restrict pregnant Redneck women from eating it.
  2. A nationwide "Just Say No" anti white bread campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots, bumper stickers and “am radio” spots.
  3. A 300 percent federal tax on all white bread sales to pay for all the societal ills associated with bread consumption.
  4. No animal or human images and a restriction on primary colors (which may appeal to Redneck children) may be used in white bread advertising.
  5. Establish "Bread-free" zones around Redneck schools, and aftermarket auto parts stores.

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. More, obvious notions to ponder

 

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