Redneck Personals

Redneck Male looking for Redneck Female

 

Ideal candidate profile:
(no particular order)

- Atheist. Agnostic might do if adequately justified, but nothing
beyond that. This is not negotiable, since I have very strong views
with regard to what should be done to people who believe in any sort
of deity (yes, freedom of religion is overrated).

- Leftist political leanings. No brainwashed socialist or tree-hugger
though, as I have a dislike of extremists.

- Disillusioned with life. Downright cynical is fine too, f'd-up
is not. Suicidal is okay only after our breakup and provided you
stay away from me.

- Sarcastic. Bonus points if you can make me laugh at you while
you're stripping.

- Intelligent. As in "I have basic notions of grammar and calculus, I
don't need to have everything explained to me twice or more, I am
capable of figuring out simple everyday problems on my own, I can
and do read user's manuals, I have some clues about life in general,
I don't mind asking questions when I don't know something, and I can
even manage to ask said questions without sounding terminally
stupid". I don't care whether you have university degrees or not,
as long as there's a minimum amount of light behind your eyes and
you think fast enough to keep up during a normal conversation with
intelligent people. Bonus points if you are more intelligent than I
am (and yes, I am - I don't usually brag about it, but I am, and if
me saying so bothers you or makes you think I am pretentious, well,
that's your problem). No intelligence, no respect.

- Financially independent. No sugar daddy around here, sweety, move
along. I'm broke anyway.

- Mentally independent. I don't like the damsel in distress type and
I'm not a crutch so you'd better have a spine. If you can't stand
up for yourself, I sure won't do it for you. Bonus points if you
can kick my ass when I'll deserve it, which is bound to happen from
time to time seeing as I'm not entirely perfect (yet).

- Well traveled. Yes, there's life outside the US; no, three hour
stop-overs in foreign airports don't count.

- Single. Men are such assholes one boyfriend should be more than
enough for you to deal with, especially when the boyfriend in
question is going to be me.

- Heterosexual. Bi is okay if you're willing to share, of course.

- Depraved. The more sexual experience you have, the better. Under
no circumstances will applications from virgins be considered.

- Doesn't ask stupid questions. Questions like "am I fat?" or "do you
love me?" will be answered with a sneer. I'm not going to care
about your insecurities anyway, so don't ask me a question if you
can't take the answer (especially when you already *know* the
answer). I *will* ask you if it's that time of the month again if
you start being an annoyance. That's especially true if we are in
the middle of a good dinner.

- Has no intention whatsoever to marry (disillusioned divorced women
will be considered if they have learned their lesson).

- Has no kids and no intention whatsoever to have any in the future.
Extra double bonus points if you had a tubal and can prove it.

- Likes to drink (DRINK, not "socially drink"). No alcoholics though,
please, too much trouble.



Bonus points if:

- You actually look good. I do not discriminate on the basis of skin
color or breast size (big commanding breasts or tiny poetic breasts,
it's all good baby - "breast", such a nice word).

- You're kinky and like lingerie, leather, boots, etc. All morally
unacceptable fantasies will be considered (considered, not blindly
performed, I'm no yes-mistress boy).

- You're rich and willing to share the dough or at least willing to
entertain me.

- All your female friends are like you and you're willing to introduce
them to me. Or even better, organize an orgy with all of them for
me.

- You don't have roommates (unless they are like you and ... see above).

- You know how to prepare mean cocktails or are a good cook.



Do not reply to this message if:

- You are a psycho (as determined by your five previous boyfriends,
your own opinion doesn't count).

- You ever said "Oh my god" or "Awesome!" and it wasn't in a deeply
derisive way.

- You own a cell phone and use it for non-work-related calls more than
once a day.

- You own anything with the name of a sports team on it.

- You own clothes with the brand name written in big letters on it.

- You own a baseball cap.

- You own flip-flops and you're not ashamed of being seen wearing them
outside your bathroom (people wearing flip-flops in public are sick!
This must stop!)

- You own tarot cards, you've read your horoscope within the past ten
years, or have ever consulted an astrologer of some kind.

- You are a republican or have ever experienced positive thoughts when
hearing the name of the current White House occupant.

- You have thoughts of getting married some day.

- You were married and have thoughts of getting married again some
day.

- The idea of having kids doesn't make you want to puke.

- You actually have kids (I must be your first and only priority in
life, dammit!)

- You think owning a gun would be cool.

- You are stupid enough to actually own a gun.

- You don't understand why there's two forks next to your plate at the
restaurant.

- You don't drink.

- You are a vegetarian.

- You are an active member of a political party or political group.

- You believe in any form of deity whatsoever (did I tell you what I
think of believers?)

- You are subject to PMS.

- You can't detect sarcasm, especially while reading this ad.



Now, since I'm in a good mood (can you tell? The more I write this ad
the lighter my mood gets - I'm so funny), I'll tell you a bit about me:

- I'm single (i.e. I'm horny, need to get laid, and will fuck anything
with a pulse that doesn't run faster than me - actually, the pulse
is optional).

- I'm asymptotically handsome (i.e. I'm six feet tall, I have
glasses, I don't shave very often, but I'm fit and have a nice
butt)..

- I'm very laid-back and casual (like everybody else around here, it
seems).

- I'm extremely witty and entertaining and funny, as you can see.
It's even better in real life because of my weird accent (yes, I'm
also a stinking foreigner, but I'm here legally so neener neener).

- I have tons of university degrees and stuff. I'm, like, borderline
genius.

- I'm an asshole but I'm honest about it! I will drop you like an old
rag instead of cheating on you (except if it's with your sisters or
roommates, or if you're a good cook).

- I might be willing to go for a long term relationship (don't you
feel lucky?) It will depend how things work out. Otherwise a one
night stand is always welcome, the chicken in the fridge doesn't
look so good after having been thawed and re-frozen so many times.

- I like silence.

... real silence ...

which means I can go on for several days without talking to anyone.
If you like driving in a car for hours with someone next to you who
doesn't say a single word, I'm your man! It also means I hate
crowded noisy places like fashionable clubs or malls. Not-too-noisy
seedy bars are good though.

- Of course I'm beyond spectacular in bed (and elsewhere too). It's
true, trust me, I'm such a stallion! Oh, and I've been told by all
my previous two girlfriends that I'm very good at licking pussy
(provided I've shaved). I also gave a massage once.

- I don't wear flip-flops.

- I make a very good ex-boyfriend too.

- I was a boy-scout, which tells you how nice I am (I got kicked out
but really it wasn't my fault).

- Contrary to what you might think, I'm not conceited at all.

- I understand a woman's needs (I thought adding that would look
good).

- I tend to be a bit unpredictable, especially when drunk. But that's
always a good thing, right (as is starting a sentence with a
conjunction)?

- I like walking hand in hand with my girlfriend on the stinking beach
(ever been to Revere beach, sweetheart?) Well, it's not exactly
true, but I'm sure you'll agree with me that a small lie from time
to time doesn't hurt.

- I'm adventurous (yes, really).

- I have no empathy for other human beings unless they might be of
some use to me (who cares about the little children of Africa, they
aren't going to pay the rent, and they are all brainwashed by those
damn christians nowadays anyway).

- I don't like compromises. Compromises are for weak insecure people,
and I'm neither weak nor insecure at all, oh no.


- Amazingly enough, I haven't been convicted of anything yet.



So, there you go. I'm actually quite happy with this ad, you can't
imagine all the thinking I had to do while writing it and all the
stealing from other ads it took.

Now, if you fit all the criteria I listed above and you think I'm the
man of your dreams you'd better reply right away because I'm really
worth it and even more and the way I see it I won't remain single for
very long.

I'm HOT!!! So email me NOW or else I'll never post an ad again.

No really, I'm nice and mature and cuddly and sweet and tender and
caring and all that shit women care about (geez, the things you've got
to write to get laid these days, where's the world going?)

EMAIL ME, NOW!!! I PROMISE YOU WON'T REGRET IT BABY, I'M SO KWEL YOU
WON'T BELIEVE IT AND I PROMISE YOU'LL SCREAM WITH JOY WHEN I TITILLATE
YOUR TRIANGLE OF JOY WITH MY HOT ROD OF LOVE (I had to add a paragraph
in all caps... I'd better stop now, this is starting to go downhill -
so many words, so little time to make sense).

But really, this is a serious ad. Scary, huh?