OFFICIAL COMPANY NOTICE
New Company Policy:
Effective Immediately:
Dress Code:
All employees are expected to arrive at work dressed according to your salary
and position. Those employees wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, are
assumed to be doing well financially and therefore, do not need a raise. Those
dressed poorly, will be required to attend a money management class, this way
they can buy nicer clothes, and will then not require a raise. If you dress just
appropriately, you are deemed to be at the correct pay rate and therefore, do
not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. For this reason, company
provided health insurance will be discontinued. Should any employee become ill
while at work, we are considering providing a self help book "100 ways to cure
yourself of any disease" along with a vial of penicillin; employees are required
to bring their own syringe. The sharing of syringe's among employees has determined
to be a health risk, and is strongly discouraged.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead lovers, friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the services on your behalf. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the time off needs to be scheduled at least 2 weeks in advance, and the ceremony scheduled in the late afternoon or early evening. In some case, management may allow you to work through your lunch break and subsequently leave early.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive approximately 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday ( this is only a recommended schedule and is subject to being
revoked). Holidays are not recognized by official company policy. Any employee
not arriving to work on any of these days will be subject to cruel and unusual
punishment, including but not limited to pay reduction, public embarrassment
and being thrashed in the room previously known as the cafeteria.
Toilet Use:
Recent monitoring of the facilities has proven that entirely too much time is being spent in or on the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a high resolution picture will be taken of the offender. After your second offense, both pictures will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. Use of these facilities more than 3 times in any one week, will result in pay reductions per offense in excess of this limit.
Personal Activities:
Any non work related activities should be kept to a minimum. This includes phone calls of any kind that are not work related. Calls from the school nurse, husbands,
wives and escort services should be restricted to your lunch break. For this
reason, we have decided to relax the eating policy to include eating at your
desk ( this does not mean you can have snack food at your desk ) in order to
protect this privilege, please limit eating to only your scheduled lunch break.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Average size people get 15 minutes for lunch to eat a balanced meal and maintain their average weight. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that has been deemed to be more than enough time to drink a Slim-Fast and eat a fat free cracker.
Time Clock:
Two Time Clocks have been installed in order to ensure that all employees are receiving proper pay. One time clock is outside the main door and the other is inside the door. In order to gain access, either inside or outside of the facility, the employee must pass his badge under the time clock sensor; once coming in and again when leaving. As this process isn't completely fair to the company, corporate guidelines will include a 15 minute deduction upon entering the building and again upon leaving. In some cases, this may require the employee to arrive 15 minutes early and leave 15 minutes late in order to compensate for the deductions.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed to the correct office. This office will be managed by our new relations manager, Ms. Waite. Helen has a long history of working through conflicts and miscommunications; so take your complaints and got Helen Waite.
The Management
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